added 7-4-99

and now.... A Word From Grandpa Klempappa

7-4-99

It's the fourth of July, you think I give a damn? All this firework mumbo jumbo. What has this world come to anyway? Back in my day, we used to light candles and watch 'em melt. Now that was a real 4th of July. Most of the stuff they got nowadays will blow your damn arm off if you get anywheres near it. Heck, my brother Douglas lost two fingers trying to help his grandson light the firecrackers or whatever it was. The sad thing is they were his last to fingers on his right hand and how the hell's he supposed to pick his nose with his left arm? Huh? Try it once. It ain't as easy as it looks. You bet your damn britches! There's other things he can't do, too, but I won't get into that cause there might be little kids reading this. So anyways, have a happy fourth of July holiday and be damn glad you still got all your damn fingers left!

7-5-99

Cripes!!! I woke up this morning and what the hell you think I see? About a hundred got-damn bottlerockets on my front lawn. Them damn kids is gonna get an ass whoopin' if they even comes near me today. I swear, if I even hear a bottlerocket go shootin' off, I'll call the cops. You bet your damn britches! But damn I gots a lot of leftover food in my fridge. All my kids came yesterday and brought all this damn food and left it here. You think I'm gonna eat all this!! There's a got damn cow in freezer. Another thing...damn kids made me do all the dishes. I think next 4th of July, I'm going to there houses and gonna plug the hell out of their toilets. You bet your damn britches! Ok, and here's another thing. All these people on the television saying how this is the last 4th of July of the 'millenium' and this was the last this of the millenium and this was the last that of the millenium. Who cares!!!! Is everything gonna be totally different in the 'next' millenium? Will the firecrackers not work anymore? God I hope so. A 4th o July without firecrackers would be a blessing for me. Now leave me alone!

7-14-99

Hey!! What do you want now? Can't you damn kids leave me alone? Its 6:30...I'm trying to sleep here. Come on. OK. You want to here a story, ay? I'll tell you one. Once upon a time there was this guy named Farty Mohall. He lived on a farm a milked cows. One day, while Fary was milking his cows, a magically geanie appeared. The geanie said it would grant Farty 3 wishes but he couldn't wish for more wishes or he'd turn into a cow. The geanie gave Farty until tomorrow, at this same tie, to make all 3 wishes. Farty went home and cried because he didn't know what to wish for but then he thought of something or whatever. The next day at milking time, the geanie appeared. It said, "Faaaarrrtty, are you ready?" Farty said yes. "First, I want a girl named Fell O. Knee to accidentally fall and bump her head." The geanie said ok and there was a big puff of smoke and it was done. "Next," Fart said, "I want a big, hairy guy named Grain to accidentally fall and bump his head on a stone." The geanie again said ok and there was more smoke and it was done. Now, Farty was in a big fix. He wanted 2 more wishes but he only had one left so he said to the geanie, "Can I have some more wishes please?" The geanie again said ok but this time with a large smile on his face. There was a puff of smoke and it was done. Farty had turned into a cow. That's it. Did you think there was supposed to be more? You're lucky I told you this much. You bet your damn britches! Now, go away and don't bug me for a good long time. Damn kids.

12-19-99

Ok you damn kids. Grandpa Klempappa isn't feeling so good anymore. In fact, I don't know if I'm going to make it through the rest of 1999. Its all because of you damn kids and your beer and your cars and your loud music. That's what is hurting me. Ok, I have to go now. Good Bye.

12-21-99

I'm writing you from the hospital. I'm in the damn hospital!!! Its all your damn kids' fault. I mean, the other night for example, some little bastard next door was light off his goddam firecrackers in the middle of the goddam winter. I could've gone over there and wrung his neck, the little bastard. Once, I swear to god the little booger shoot one in through the door when I was getting in the house and the damn thing blew off in my ear. Dammit that was loud. That little hosebag. Next time I see the little christer I'll beat him down so much you won't even recognize who he is. So, the nurse is coming in now to stick her hand up my ass. Man, that about feels good. I'll go now. Hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow or some other time, if I make it another day. I'm so damn sick, it hurts. Now get the hell out of here, ay!!

7-18-03

I bet all you goddam kids though Ol' Gramps was dead, didn't you? Yeah you did you little shitasses. I know its been 4 years since I last wrote ya but I was goddam tired and I had to mow the grass. A lot has happened in these past 4 years. Goddamn piece of shit 4th of July happened 4 goddamn times. One 4th, I went to the local firecracker store and bought the whole shitload of fireworks. Then I put them all in a barrel with some gas and made all the little kids cry cause they couldn't shoot any off. Those little christers, they don't need their damn explosions and what not. They can light some rags on fire and watch them burn. That's what my grandpa used to do for me. And then he made me clean that shit all up. That bastard. I kicked his ass one time, and then he drove over my foot with the old Chevy. That bastard. Another thing that happened in the past 4 years was the movie 8-Mile. Now I ain't much of a gangsterer or playboy or pimple, but them black boys sure can drop a beat. You bet your damn britches! And then the M&M boy came and did some good ryhmes and busted up the beats. Papa Doc don't want no M&Ms and he sure don't want any of Grandpa Klempappa. Oh shit, my neck just cramped up. Give me a minute to rub this one out. Hey, can't I get any goddam privacy. Get the hell out of here you little bitch bastards.